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bear. You're only human now. You'll never make these feelings go away. You just
have to learn not to act on them."
"Quara never learned."
"Quara learned, all right," said Miro. "It's just my opinion, but Quara loved
Marcão, adored him, and when he died and the rest of us felt so liberated, she
was lost. What she does now, this constant provocation -- she's asking somebody
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to abuse her. To hit her. The way Marcão always hit Mother whenever he was
provoked. I think in some perverse way Quara was always jealous of Mother when
she got to go off alone with Papa, and even though she finally figured out that
he was beating her up, when Quara wanted her papa back the only way she knew of
to demand his attention was -- this mouth of hers." Miro laughed bitterly. "It
reminds me of Mother, to tell the truth. You've never heard her, but in the old
days, when she was trapped in marriage with Marcão and having Libo's babies --
oh, she had a mouth on her. I'd sit there and listen to her provoking Marcão,
goading him, stabbing at him, until he'd hit her -- and I'd think, Don't you
dare lay a hand on my mother, and at the same time I'd absolutely understand his
impotent rage, because he could never, never, never say anything that would shut
her up. Only his fist could do it. And Quara has that mouth, and needs that
rage."
"Well, how happy for us all, then, that I gave her just what she needed."
Miro laughed. "But she didn't need it from you. She needed it from Marcão, and
he's dead."
And then, suddenly, Jane burst into real tears. Tears of grief, and she turned
to Miro and clung to him.
"What is it?" he said. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, Miro," she said. "Ender's dead. I'll never see him again. I have a body at
last, I have eyes to see him, and he isn't there."
Miro was stunned. Of course she missed Ender. She had thousands of years with
him, and only a few years, really, with me. How could I have thought she could
love me? How can I ever hope to compare with Ender Wiggin? What am I, compared
to the man who commanded fleets, who transformed the minds of trillions of
people with his books, his speakings, his insight, his ability to see into the
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hearts of other people and speak their own most private stories back to them?
And yet even as he resented Ender, even as he envied him because Jane would
always love him more and Miro couldn't hope to compete with him even in death,
despite these feelings it finally came home to him that yes, Ender was dead.
Ender, who had transformed his family, who had been a true friend to him, who
had been the only man in Miro's life that he longed with all his heart to be,
Ender was gone. Miro's tears of grief flowed along with Jane's.
"I'm sorry," said Jane. "I can't control any of my emotions."
"Yes, well, it's a common failing, actually," said Miro.
She reached up and touched the tears on his cheek. Then she touched her damp
finger to her own cheek. The tears commingled. "Do you know why I thought of
Ender right then?" she said. "Because you're so much like him. Quara annoys you
as much as she annoys anyone, and yet you look past that and see what her needs
are, why she says and does these things. No, no, relax, Miro, I'm not expecting
you to be like Ender, I'm just saying that one of the things I liked best about
him is also in you -- that's not bad, is it? The compassionate perception -- I
may be new at being human, but I'm pretty sure that's a rare commodity."
"I don't know," said Miro. "The only person I'm feeling compassion for right now
is me. They call it self-pity, and it isn't an attractive trait."
"Why are you feeling sorry for yourself?"
"Because you'll go on needing Ender all your life, and all you'll ever find is
poor substitutes, like me."
She held him tighter then. She was the one giving comfort now. "Oh, Miro, maybe
that's true. But if it is, it's true the way it's true that Quara is still
trying to get her father's attention. You never stop needing your father or your
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mother, isn't that right? You never stop reacting to them, even when they're
dead."
Father? That had never crossed Miro's mind before. Jane loved Ender, deeply,
yes, loved him forever -- but as a father? [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]